this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
