I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
