I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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