God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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