I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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