Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
