I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
