he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Don't tell me you're on acid again
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
