I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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