Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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