You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Dicks are not precious.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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