My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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