good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
