watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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