Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize