I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
