I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
