How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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