happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
