so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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