omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
