Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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