Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
