Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
