I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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