1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
