And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Randomize
