we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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