I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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