Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When did angry sex become our thing?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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