If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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