it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
