The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
