once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
