He had one of those small greek statue penises
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
