i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
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