I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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