goodnight i made you a song goodbye
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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