I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
