Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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