Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
