mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
