i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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