I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
