Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
