So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
