....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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