I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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