Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
