I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
