Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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