Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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